Don’t Take Anything Personally

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”  ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

I received an email recently from a reader who was having trouble with a co-worker. I knew as soon as I read what she had described to be going on, that it was a great example of the Second Agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements, so I wanted to share it with you…

She was feeling attacked and hurt because the co-worker was always extremely rude and disrespectful to her. She felt she was the victim of his rants because she was a soft-spoken woman who didn’t like conflict. So, I invited her to get on the phone with me for a Strategy Session, to see if I could help her feel more empowered.

After briefly discussing the situation and the environment at work, I was able to help her quickly discover that the co-worker’s behavior had nothing to do with her or the fact that she was a “soft-spoken woman”. She was taking his behavior personally when in fact, his behavior wasn’t about her at all. Once she was able to make the shift from taking his behavior personally, she no longer saw herself as the victim of his rants. Rather she was able to see that he was acting out because of his own reality which was of course, most assuredly based on his own experiences. In that moment of awareness, she could see that there was obviously something going on with him that must be causing his negativity and she actually felt a sense of empathy for her co-worker which created an immediate shift in her to feel more empowered.

NOTE: This does not mean that it’s okay to allow yourself to be treated badly, EVER. But it is in realizing that it’s not about you and that other people's opinions and actions do not have control over you (unless you let them), that you can be empowered to stand up for yourself and take ownership of your own feelings and behaviors.

Which is why from there we were able to devise a plan for how she would handle her co-worker on their next encounter. She was prepared, empowered and feeling confident. She was able to own her feelings and request respect. The co-worker was surprised but apologetic. Interestingly enough, he confessed to her that he’d been hurt from a recent divorce and was feeling frustrated and angry. Did this make his behavior okay? No! It was certainly not an acceptable excuse for his behavior but it was more validation that his behavior was really not about her. And when she was able to pull back from feeling personally attacked, she was quickly able to step out of the role of the victim. When you don’t allow yourself to be a victim, you immediately feel more empowered and life can become so much more enjoyable and rewarding.

So, what about you? How often do you take things personally when someone is being rude, disrespectful, or judgmental? Do you feel hurt, angry or victimized by their words and actions? How much more empowered would you feel if you no longer took what other people do or say personally and started looking at each encounter as a projection of the other person’s reality?

It’s time to free yourself from this trap of taking things personally. Start by always remembering that people are fighting their own battles, from their own perspective. And more often than not, their behavior or harsh words have nothing to do with you. The more you can let go of taking it personally, the more empowered and happier you will be. And when you are free and empowered… you will no longer feel like a victim of other people’s actions or judgements. Instead, you can believe in yourself and create your own reality.

***Since starting this reflection of Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements, I’ve been flooded with messages. It’s wonderful to see how these simple concepts are creating big changes within people’s lives. I'd love to hear from you too! Feel free to send an email to [email protected]  

***Don't think you have time to read the book? No problem! Many of the people in my online community are taking advantage of my free offer to check out this short note that covers all the main ideas. You can do that too, by clicking HERE.