Don't Make Assumptions

“Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”  ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

Have you ever made an assumption about someone or about a situation, only to realize later that your assumption caused a lot of unnecessary pain or drama? Assumptions can really be hurtful. Which is why I love the third agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements – Don’t Make Assumptions. Because when you make assumptions, more often than not, you are setting yourself up for trouble.

So, what happens when you make assumptions? It’s plain and simple really, you believe something without proof that it is true. And most commonly it happens in one of two ways:

1. You assume you know something – which can cause you to have to face your own foolishness.
2. You assume someone else knows something – which can lead to your own disappointment.

The “something” you assume might be about someone’s character, behaviors, beliefs, feelings, thoughts, etc. Or maybe you assume someone knows what you think, want, feel, etc. You might even assume you know how something will turn out, without any real proof. Whatever the case, more often than not, you are inviting unnecessary pain and drama into your life by assuming.

Let’s examine how assuming in these ways could cause trouble for you…

Unless you’re a mind reader (and I doubt you are) then making assumptions that you know what someone is thinking, is likely to add a lot of unnecessary pain into your life. Because how you think, believe, feel and act are all based on your own life experiences. Likewise, how someone else thinks, believes, feels and acts are all based on theirs and how they’ve processed them. You cannot ever “know” for certain, what that is for them because everyone is different.

There’s a saying that goes something like this, “Don’t assume! It makes an ass out of u and me.” (Ass-u-me) I remember the first time I told someone this. It was a high school student in my earlier school counselor days. The student was in full victim mode and looking for justification of something that they weren’t wanting to take any responsibility for. (Total drama!) They had assumed that someone else would take care of something for them and were left completely disappointed because it hadn’t happened and they’d missed out on something big. But when I made the statement, it was as if I popped their balloon. They were hurt but they got it. And their whole argument was deflated. They realized that had they not assumed; they would not be in that situation. Assuming had set them up for a foolish misunderstanding. Had they just asked, instead of assuming, they would have known for sure if the person they were assuming would help them, was really going to do it or not. And that, would have saved them a lot of pain.

Assuming others should “just know” is a sure set up for disappointment. (Unless of course you actually do know a mind reader.)  If you really want something in your life, clear communication to express that request is by far the best way to get what you want. It doesn’t mean everyone will always say yes to your requests. It means they will know what it is you are requesting. And that gives you the best odds of getting your needs met. If you don’t clearly express your wants and needs, you can blame yourself - first and foremost - for not getting it. More times than not, assuming someone will just know what you want, need, mean or think is a sure way to set yourself up for disappointment. Miscommunication is the number one reason for unnecessary drama.

Now I get it, asking can be uncomfortable. But remember, it’s not as uncomfortable or disappointing as assuming others just know, when truly they don’t. I’ve coached a lot of clients over the years on communication skills. Not everyone knows how to communicate their needs. Not everyone is brave enough to communicate their needs and not everyone believes they deserve to have their needs met. So, I’m here to tell you, you can ask for what you want. You do hold the right to make requests. But assuming someone will just know what you want and need is a recipe for disappointment.

So please, for the sake of your own happiness, think before you make an assumption. Be aware! Make a conscious effort to take an objective view. Ask yourself if you really know… Have you asked questions? Have you gotten clarification? If not, do it! Don’t assume you know. On the other hand, ask yourself if the other person really knows… Have you asked for what you want and need? Have you made your requests clear?

If you can do these simple things before you make assumptions, you’ll not only avoid “making an ass out of u and me” but you’ll avoid a lot of misunderstandings, disappointment and drama in your life as well.

***Haven’t gotten the book yet but you're loving these concepts? Get it Here and Get Started! Or think you don't have time to read the whole book? Get the Main Ideas and Notes HERE.