Stuck in the Mud? (A Personal Story)

“You can’t move on to your next destination if you don’t get unstuck from where you are.”

I was speaking with a fellow coach recently who’d asked me what I’d been up to. I told her we’d gotten our oldest daughter off to college and then filled her in on all the details of what’d been going on in business and how busy we’d been with my youngest daughter’s soccer schedule. Then I said, “But I’ve been super tired lately and feeling like I’m stuck on some projects that I just can’t get clarity or motivation on.” With which she proceeded to ask me, “Have you given yourself permission to grieve?”

My initial reaction was, to wonder what she was getting at and what that could possibly have to do with my stuckness. I thought, “I shouldn’t be grieving. I don’t have any reason to grieve.” After all, isn’t grief about death and loss? Sure, maybe not always a loss of life; if you’ve ever heard me speak on “The Death of a Dream” then you know that we can also grieve the loss or letting go of an unfulfilled dream for the future, a lost love, a lost job, etc. But I hadn’t experienced any of that either. (As a matter of fact, my most important dream to raise strong, independent young woman is actually being fulfilled. And I really am thrilled to watch their futures unfold.) So why would I need to grieve?

But deep in my heart, I felt it the moment she asked the question. What I had lost was a sense of connection, control, and contribution (some of the key human drives that charge our lives). Or at least that’s what I was feeling. With my oldest daughter going off to college, I had even lost some of my meaning and purpose. And I had not given myself the time or space to feel or grieve. As a result, I was actually stuck in my emotions.

Now visualize being stuck in the mud here. The more you put the pedal down and spin your wheels to get out, the more gas you burn and the deeper you get stuck. Not to mention, the muddy mess it makes of your vehicle. The best way to get out is to add something to support the tire and take it easy by slowly moving forward.

How does this relate to my life? Well, as I sat with what my friend had said, I realized that I was trying too hard to be okay with this new phase of our lives. To just push forward and move on, even though I was stuck in some very natural emotions. And what I needed to do was find some support and take the time to move forward gently and slowly. To give myself permission to grieve and honor where I was with my feelings. Then I could begin to explore how I would tweak my meaning and purpose. And to discover new ways to experience connection, contribution and caring.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still believe greatly in my purpose as a coach. But my purpose and role as a mom has been changing as my girls get older. And although we might essentially be happy about some changes, transitions (or even loss), they can be accompanied by grief.

Let me give you a couple examples… Through every stage of my children’s lives as they’ve grown up, I have felt the bittersweet pains of transition. Knowing that they were moving into the next phase of life meant that the excitement of their independence, although matched with my growing freedom, was also met with the fact that my purpose and role in their lives was changing.

I can also remember leaving my job as a school counselor to be a stay-at-home mom, the thing I’d wanted so desperately the eight years we’d tried to have children. Yet somewhere inside, I was grieving to be leaving and letting go of (losing) that part of my life. And after speaking with a friend recently who just retired, it brought to mind the many clients I’ve coached through the transition of retirement. A time that should be happy but is usually met with grief and a feeling that they’ve lost their identity and sense of purpose or meaning.

Why is it that we don’t give ourselves permission to feel all those feelings? I mean, I don’t know, maybe you do. And if so, then GOOD FOR YOU! Because we should allow ourselves the freedom to feel and to grieve, even if we are moving on to something bigger and better. Even if there’s no real loss but instead just a shift or change.

What to do? Well… I’ve decided to give myself permission to feel all the feelings I’m having right now. And to seek solace in the fact that with every transition, change or loss there also comes an opportunity for new. And the excitement of that new gives me back the freedom to tap into my own creative expression of self to see what comes up.  

So check in with yourself now. Is there something you need to give yourself permission to truly feel and maybe even grieve? A transition, loss or change that you haven’t acknowledged or processed. Even if it’s something you are happy about. Take your foot off the gas… find support, then gently and slowly, move forward. You will be amazed at how quickly you can get unstuck.

Need some support to get yourself unstuck? I would love to help you do just that! Give yourself permission to feel and move forward... Schedule a KickStart Strategy Session today!