Don't Make Assumptions

“Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.” — Don Miguel Ruiz

Have you ever made an assumption about someone or a situation, only to find out later that you were completely wrong?

If so, you're in good company.

Most of us have done it.

We've assumed someone was upset with us when they weren't. We've assumed someone knew what we wanted when we never actually told them. We've assumed we understood a situation, only to discover later that we were missing important information.

And more often than not, those assumptions create exactly what Don Miguel Ruiz warns us about: unnecessary misunderstanding, disappointment, and drama.

That's why the third agreement from The Four Agreements is so powerful:

Don't Make Assumptions.

Simple advice, right?

Yet it's amazing how often we ignore it.

When you really think about it, making an assumption is simply believing something to be true without having proof. We fill in the blanks, create a story, and then act as if that story is fact.

The problem is that the story we create is often based on our own fears, experiences, expectations, and interpretations—not reality.

And that's where trouble begins.

Over the years, I've noticed that assumptions usually show up in one of two ways.

The first is assuming that we know something.

We assume we know what another person is thinking. We assume we know why they behaved a certain way. We assume we understand their intentions, feelings, or motivations.

The second is assuming that someone else knows something.

We assume they know what we need, what we expect, what we're feeling, or what we want from them.

Both can create a surprising amount of frustration.

Let's start with the first one.

Unless you've secretly developed mind-reading abilities, you don't actually know what someone else is thinking.

You may have a guess.

You may have an opinion.

You may even feel strongly that you're right.

But the truth is, every person sees life through the lens of their own experiences. Their beliefs, emotions, fears, and past experiences all influence how they think and behave. Just as your reality is shaped by your experiences, theirs is shaped by theirs.

That's why assumptions are so dangerous. We often interpret someone else's behavior through our own lens and then assume our interpretation is correct.

Many years ago, when I was working as a school counselor, I had a student come into my office who was incredibly upset. They were frustrated because they had missed out on an opportunity they really wanted. As we talked through what had happened, it became clear that the entire situation came down to one thing: they had assumed someone else was going to take care of something for them.

The student felt disappointed, angry, and even victimized by the outcome.

Then I shared a phrase you've probably heard before:

"Don't assume. It makes an ass out of u and me."

The student didn't love hearing it at first, but the message landed.

The moment they realized their disappointment stemmed from an assumption rather than reality, everything changed. They could suddenly see how a simple conversation or clarifying question could have prevented the entire situation.

That's often how assumptions work.

One question can save us a tremendous amount of pain.

The second type of assumption is just as common.

We assume other people should simply know what we want.

We assume our spouse should know.

We assume our boss should know.

We assume our friends should know.

We assume our children should know.

And when they don't, we feel hurt, disappointed, or frustrated.

I've coached countless clients through communication challenges over the years, and one of the biggest sources of conflict I see is the expectation that people should somehow know what we need without us ever clearly communicating it.

The truth is, most people aren't mind readers.

If you want something, ask.

If you need something, communicate it.

If you're confused, seek clarification.

Yes, those conversations can sometimes feel uncomfortable. But they're far less uncomfortable than the misunderstandings and disappointment that assumptions often create.

So this week, I want to challenge you to become more aware of the assumptions you're making.

When you find yourself telling a story about what someone else thinks, feels, or intends, pause and ask yourself:

"Do I actually know that?"

When you're feeling frustrated because someone isn't meeting a need, ask yourself:

"Have I clearly communicated what I want?"

And when you're tempted to jump to conclusions, get curious instead.

Ask questions.

Seek understanding.

Clarify.

Because one of the simplest ways to create more peace in your life is to stop assuming and start communicating.

You may be surprised how much drama disappears when you do.

This week, pay attention to how often assumptions show up in your relationships, your work, and even your own self-talk. Awareness is the first step. Once you notice the pattern, you'll have the opportunity to choose something different. If you want to read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, get the book Here. If you don't have time for the full book but would still like to explore the ideas within it further, check out the Philosopher's Notes Here!