Free Yourself from Mom Guilt

"The very fact that you worry about being a good mom means that you already are one." ~ Jodi Picoult

Mother’s Day is this weekend. A time to honor moms for all they do throughout the year. But for many moms, there’s an internal struggle that occurs between accepting and enjoying that recognition and the ever-so-strong mom guilt that tells them they don’t deserve all the love and praise because they don’t do enough. If you’ve ever experienced a similar guilt, you’re not alone.

These feelings are normal – I don’t know a mom (or dad) who doesn’t experience them from time to time. Even if you aren’t a parent, odds are high you’ve experienced a form of this guilt at some point in your life. (Just replace parenting children with what’s at the root of your own guilt – i.e., family, friends, business, school, work, etc.) But in honor of the upcoming holiday, I’ll be focusing on mom guilt here. So if your guilt is showing up a little too often, it’s time to get a handle on it. And what better time to start than now, to give yourself the gift of a guilt free Mother’s Day.

But first… What is mom guilt anyway?

Let me begin by saying I know that you probably wouldn’t trade your role as a parent for all the free time in the world but raising children is a full-time job that often creates feelings of overwhelm, inadequacy, failure and guilt on a regular basis.

As I mentioned previously, it often stems from some sort of belief that you’re not doing enough as a parent. This root cause can be exceptionally strong in working mothers. But mom guilt can also occur when you feel overwhelmed with household and parental duties that leave you feeling like you have no time for your own self-care. Resentment and frustration ensue and then, in comes the mom guilt. Or even worse, you actually do make yourself and your self-care a priority by taking some me-time away from your family. Bring on the guilt trip! Right?

Then of course, another big cause of mom guilt is all the wonderful advice and ideas from others about parenting. Which although well meaning, often causes you to question your parenting skills and compare yourself with what other parents are doing. Both leave you feeling like once again, you have failed at this parenting thing.

So if your mom guilt seems to be running high and taking over on a regular basis, it’s time to get your guilt under control.

Here are five strategies to help you temper the mom guilt:   

• Help Yourself First: Yes, I realize this is often what causes the guilt to flare in the first place but remember the rule for flying. Every flight begins with instructions that remind you to secure your oxygen mask first before assisting your children with theirs. After all, if you can’t breathe, how can you possibly help anyone else? This is wonderful parenting advice! Give yourself a little air (aka self-care) first and you’ll be better able to help your children. Keep in mind that loving yourself is one of the best ways to love your children. Because when you care for you, you’re better able to show up as the best version of yourself for them.
• Share Your Responsibilities: If you have a partner, ask them if they can pitch in on chores that aren’t already on their list so you can carve out a little “me” time. If you’re single, seek out a network of other moms who are on their own too, whom you can share babysitting duties or even trade out errand running. Or hire out tasks that are less important to you (like cleaning your house or preparing meals) so that you can spend your precious time where it’s most important.  
• Surround Yourself with Supportive People (and limit time with the rest): Get together with friends and fellow moms who know and understand you. Chatting over an empathetic cup of coffee or glass of wine can sometimes be just what you need to not feel alone on this massive journey of raising children. Not to mention that downtime and friendship are very beneficial for your overall mental wellbeing. And then of course, limit the amount of time you spend with people (even relatives) who make you feel guilty or judged. If the naysayer is droning on about your latest parenting failure or giving you way too much unwanted advice about how to parent, find an excuse to exit interaction and limit time with them.
• Recognize Irrational Thoughts and Beliefs: A classic example of unhealthy mom guilt is returning to work and worrying that being away from your children hurts their development. It doesn’t, and all that doubt only makes you less efficient at both jobs. Examine the beliefs you have that are causing your guilt to see if they need to shift. Replace irrational thoughts with trust in your caregiver and truth in knowing that children can still thrive and flourish even when both parents work full-time. One of my favorite truths to shift this belief is to recognize that the quality of time spent with your children is essentially more important than the quantity of time. You don’t have to spend endless hours with your child for them to feel loved. Putting away your phone or anything else you’re working on to be fully present with them can create a deeper connection in as little as 15-30 minutes of quality time than higher quantities of time spent when you’re distracted, irritable or feeling stressed about everything else on your to-do list.  
• Avoid Comparison and Judgement: It’s easy to get caught up in comparing your children’s growth and development with others but resist the urge to engage, since making comparisons often leads to feelings of inadequacy and guilt. The next time some mom wants to compare how early your kids started walking or how well they are doing in school, politely change the subject. Remember, you and each of your children are unique — embrace the parent you are and the children you have.

I hope these strategies help you manage your guilt a bit. Celebrate yourself this weekend and know that if you’re making decisions and taking actions out of love for your children, you’re on the right track. Will you do everything right? Nope! But keep doing the best you can, driven by love, not guilt. You are a role model for your children. So if you wouldn’t want them to treat themselves the way you treat yourself… then it’s time for a change.

Note: While some mom guilt is normal, unchecked guilt can become dangerous, leading to unhealthy behaviors and depression. If you feel that you are consumed with your guilt and it’s preventing you from enjoying your life, please seek help from a professional coach, counselor or therapist.  

Give yourself a little Mother's Day gift by scheduling your Free Strategy Session today, and become the best versions of yourself in order to serve the world in a greater way.