Cure The Disease To Please

“I can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.”  – Ed Sheeran

Do you often find yourself doing everything for others at the expense of yourself? Or perhaps you have a difficult time saying no to other people’s demands or requests. So much so that you'd rather twist yourself into a pretzel than say no to them. And then there's the worry and anxiety which stems from a fear about what others will think or if they'll be happy with you. If you can relate, then it could be that you suffer from the disease to please...

I have worked with many clients throughout the years who admittedly knew that they were people pleasers. It's often what draws them to working with a coach. They feel burnt out and trapped into what I like to call, “Superwoman Syndrome”. (Note: Not all who suffer from Superwoman Syndrome are People Pleasers, but all People Pleasers also suffer from Superwoman Syndrome - more on that next week.)

Anyway, I was doing a little research on this topic of people pleasing recently while preparing content for my upcoming Masterclass, and ran across a book I discovered years ago, called, The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D  As I was flipping through it, the first thing that caught my eye was a list the author refers to as The Ten Commandments of People-Pleasing. So I thought I'd share that with you today.

Read each commandment below and rank yourself on a scale of 1-10 to see where you stand. (1 being "I don't think so." and 10 being "I think and believe this all the time.")

The Ten Commandments of People-Pleasing:

1. I should always do what others want, expect, or need from me.
2. I should take care of everyone around me whether they ask for help or not.
3. I should always listen to everyone’s problems and try my best to solve them.
4. I should always be nice and never hurt anyone’s feelings.
5. I should always put other people first, before me.
6. I should never say “no” to anyone who needs or requests something of me.
7. I should never disappoint anyone or let others down in any way.
8. I should always be happy and upbeat and never show any negative feelings to others.
9. I should always try to please other people and make them happy.
10. I should try never to burden others with my own needs or problems.

How did you score? Can you relate to most or all the above? If so, then congratulations (not) you are most likely a full-fledged people pleaser and it is time to change that because you are going to struggle with true peace, happiness, and success your whole life, if you don't. Not to mention that constantly ‘shoulding on yourself’ is extremely toxic. It will eat you alive inside. And always serving others at the expense of yourself will eventually take its toll on your well-being. You are going to burn out... and it's not going to be pretty.

So, I want you to hear this…

It’s time for you to value yourself, your needs and who you are. You don’t have to “buy” peoples love and affection. - And yes, time is a currency in many respects. So, if you are always doing things for others, to please them, you are in essence, buying their love.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying not to be nice. It is absolutely okay to be loving, caring, kind and giving. But it is also okay to say no. And it is even okay, not to be nice sometimes. (In the book, there’s an entire chapter titled, “It’s Okay Not to Be Nice”.) Because you know what? It is not okay to be a doormat and let people walk all over you or use you.

And guess what? You may think that by always trying to please others, you are making them happy, but what you’re actually doing is making yourself feel miserable and inadequate. In fact, while people pleasers are always aspiring to be as “nice” as they can be, they fail miserably when it comes to being nice to themselves.

Plus, the habit of people-pleasing doesn’t necessarily make others think you’re a nice person anyway. In fact, being around someone who is always putting others’ needs before their own can actually be a huge turnoff. So even if you overextend yourself to make other people comfortable and you are as nice as you can be, they may be annoyed or irritated by your actions and end up NOT liking you - the exact opposite effect of what you were initially striving for by being so freakin’ nice in the first place!

Begin to break free of the disease to please by starting with the commandment above that you scored the highest in. (If you had several, then pick the one that you feel negatively affects you the most.) And make a solid commitment (a new commandment if you will) to find a better balance. Awareness of when you do it is the first step. Just observe when it comes up most for you. What triggers you? What are you feeling? What is your automatic reaction?

Then decide how you can take a step in a more empowered direction. For example, say you have a difficult time saying no to any request made of you. (You know - never ending volunteer needs, last minute projects at work, constant favors for a friend or family member, etc.) Shift your response to those requests to a new answer that is more balanced and feels comfortable for you until you do feel strong enough to say NO. So instead of saying yes to everything, which will exhaust you, or no, which is difficult for you, say something like, “I would be happy to help you if I can, let me check my schedule and get back to you.” (This gives you some buffer time, so you don’t blurt out a yes right away.) Or even better, “I would be happy to help you; however, I am going to have to pass on this one.” And if you must… “I would be happy to help you; however, all I can commit to right now is x,y,z.” (and state your variation of what you actually have the bandwidth to do). NOTE: This last one is tricky and I don’t recommend it for beginners because it’s too easy to make x,y and z more work than the original request since you will want to please. Whatever variation you choose, speak kindly but confidently. It is okay to honor yourself.

Now it’s your turn… It’s time to cure your disease to please and I’m here to support you. I know this post focuses a lot on the “symptoms” of people pleasers, but what really causes it? Knowing what’s at the core can most quickly help you cure your tendencies to people please. So, if you haven’t already signed up for my upcoming free Masterclass then please click HERE to join me so you can find out what’s really been causing your need to please.

***Maybe you aren’t a people pleaser, that’s okay… if you find you are more of a controller, a stickler, an avoider, or maybe you even sabotage your happiness and success in another way; this masterclass is not to be missed! Click HERE to sign yourself up and share this with anyone else you know who can benefit from discovering the #1 saboteur of them all!